A Mother's Death.

I just came back from someone's mom's wake service and I'm still overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions deep inside of me, thinking of a lot of people in my mind and in my heart. A chain of people whom I've talked to and have been thinking lately, which is somehow related to the term "mother". This someone by the way, is our senior pastor who gave such honoring remarks for his dear mother. I was delighted to know that indeed during the last days of his mother, everyone in the children were there to spend that last precious moments with their mother.

First thought was ofcourse my own dearest mother. As our Pastor shared about how his mother did her best to help his father raising the 7 of them through domestic-related jobs, saying that she's rich, I can't stop nodding my head, completely agreeing with him. Then, a flashback of my younger days came to mind. My mom doing some laundry, ironing, and other related chores in the neighborhood just for us to have something to eat while she assigned me to take care of my 2 younger sisters that time. There were also those times whereby all I have to do is pick up the spoon and fork to eat the food in the plate she has prepared before I go to work, how she tidy my room and I'd be too comfortable to have my sweet rest and a whole lot more. It reminded me as well so many very important things she has taught me that until now I value and treasure sincerely, and that is why I am where I am now. From then on, I promised myself to do my very best to make her proud, I hope I did. Well, my mother can be complicated sometimes but I really honor her, treasure her and love her. I'm grateful that she's still alive and that I can still express personally how grateful I am having her. I'm praying that she'll be here... at least until I become a mother myself. Only God knows! :D

The next one was my auntie in California - a mother too. Recently, I had the opportunity to have some little chit-chat with her over the net (the power of technology huh!) and shared a few struggles over her children. The word "patience" was stuck in my heart during the chat conversation and I just hope that she'll be fine and will continue to be prayerful and be patient with whatever is happening out there since I really dunno what's the whole story. I pray as well that as I write this, the power of the Holy Spirit will just minister upon her and her children too - my cousins, realizing the incomparable and invaluable things their mother has done and will do for them. Oh how I wish I'm just an inch away so that I can hug her and hopefully ease out her sentiments.

The third one was another friend in Chicago, whom I was shared that the mother has a breast cancer, which was recently discovered. I am more than concerned but had nothing to say during that time ('twas just last night though); or rather should I say, I dunno what good thing to say to at least console that friend. Again, how I'd hope that I was beside this friend to somehow offer a sincere warm embrace. I blurted out a child-like faith of "Let's believe for a miracle. I'll keep your mom in prayer." True enough, I dozed off to bed with a simple prayer for my friend's mother. I hope that God will acknowledge my child-like prayer, I believe JC heard about it and He'll surely answer.

Next in line were my friends who are mothers. Funny that I've got friends who are mothers here in Penang and whenever there's a party, all of them will stay in a room and discuss/share stuff about motherhood. The catch is... I'm the only one who's single that I feel ackward in joining them most of the times *peace*. However, they will force me to join their "chit-chat" saying that it's just right to learn while still single. It's something like "Motherhood 101" subject. There was one time, one of them said, today the topic is "schooling/education of kids". Deep inside, I was actually thrilled and in my mind I began to wonder when is my time. LOL.

Another one was about my boss, who's a mother. In one of our one on one session, she mentioned about her daughter saying "she's growing fast and now older". In that line were sound of worry because of much care and concern and love. Mother's really are admirable!

Last one was a recent call from a friend in Manila to give me a late greeting for my birthday. I wasn't sure how the conversation went to the topic about her mother who recently passed away too. I was glad to hear her reflections about her beloved mom and her sharing on how painful it really is to loose a mother, realizing a mother's very significance to our existence. Then the topic ended to realizing that somehow, the desire to get married is to primarily be able to experience motherhood (it sounds funny but come to think of it... I agreed with her in the end).

I recently saw a video of a mother giving birth to a child in a natural way mind you. I was just watching and I was physically exasperated already! I wonder.... how much more when I'm the one doing it. It looked awful, painful, however you may wanna describe it but I just said to myself, I want to experience that! I'd love to, given a chance! Well, based from my observations, reflections, and relationship with all walks of mothers "kinda thing", it seems really difficult and challenging but nevertheless I can see the real fulfillment, nobility, and the joy of being one in them, above all in my own mother's eyes.

To all mothers - it's not mother's day but I want to personally salute you. May God's love and grace continue to abound in your hearts! Keep up the good work! Kudos! :)

To all soon to be mothers - you're about to embark one great milestone of your lives, you'll be okay. God is good! :)

To all sons & daughters - get your relationship with your mothers right while they're still alive! Appreciate them while you still can - a simple "love you, ma!" or a hug or a kiss will do a lot. It's your big lost if you don't! :)

-end-

"spock"

And so finally I am blogging with a happy feeling! I must indulge this moment! Too much of sad emo-related entries already so here you go!!!

First, it was like a cardiac arrest of reviving my heart beat while I was in a heart attack breakdown! Seems like my apparently dying heart was pumped up making the straight line in that meter reader becoming quite a zigzag kind of line again. Not bad huh!

It was a some kind of a "spock" from a short circuited wiring in which the connections were essentially straighten out. It's a nice feeling eventhough I wasn't sure what will be the outcome of it. I realized I'm quite naive in this kind of stuff! Yaiks! And indeed my "bashy" me is striking like mad!

Oh well, it's the second time of supper with that "spock"! Somehow...it's nice but I don't wanna expect too much. I'm thankful that somehow, my heart beat was revived - that should be quite good enough. At least I know I'm still capable of feeling "it" and did not totally curse the so-called "feeling". As I recognized that positive cardiac arrest result, my brain waves started to function as well... hehe... well i think heart and brain working together will make a good tandem huh! But ofcourse with His guidance and will.. surely can right? LOL! I'm talking nonsense now!

I better head off to bed, got morning prayer tomorrow.

Oh by the way, it's actually "spark"!

=)

famiLiar tears...

It has been quite a month already that I've somehow noticed this thing is happening - a teardrop would fall as I close my eyes praying to be able to sleep and to have a good one! If I could only take out my ownself from my body, I would be able to draw one picture that would describe quite a combination of a poignant face trying to be wrapped in the coating of faith and trust. Indeed, I ended up waking up fully rested and wanting to sleep more instead :D

Tonight, as I wrap up my work and somehow call it a day.... I've recognized that I was bursting into tears.. a different one from what's mentioned above. Familiar tears, which include some profound emotions and soured-sweet memories; and that deep inside was a smile longing to be able to come to a point once again of finally moving on, never thinking and hoping for the old, but trusting for a fresh eternity- type of a new one.

I know, I just have to continue trusting and keeping that faith. Can I be thrown into a totally new atmosphere again, please?

-end-

Contact Lenses...

I'm on my second day of wearing contact lenses after I've pushed through with my thought to try it out - I decided to have 2-day trial of it. Reasons behind are a lot but the outstanding one is for convenience. It's so funny though, because initially, I've opted to wear eyeglasses instead, because of the same reason - convenience. Errrr.... weird huh, you may say...but just think about what I'm tryin' to draw here :P

Well, my power isn't that high but normally, I prefer to have my eye-glasses on to have a clearer and firmer view or sight of the things I'm lookin' at, especially when driving ;)... that is because I've taken note well what my driving instructor told me in a loud manner, "WEAR YOUR 'SPECS' WHEN DRIVING!"... lol, makes me smile whenever I think about it.

Anyhow, so this morning...no doubt I was struggling and having some challenges to put in the contact lenses into my eyes. Whheeww! It wasn't that easy! As I open my right eye wide and big, the song "Open the eyes of my heart Lord" echoed deep within me. As I sing the song in my mind, "open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see you, I want to see you", in my heart I had a revelation that until now I'm trying to figure out, organizing the thought around it so might as well write about it, hopefully at the end of this blog I'll manage to have an organized thoughts about the revelation... let's see!

When we're newly born, they say that the eyesight isn't really that clear for the first couple of weeks. This is the reason why when buying baby things, we need to buy those very colorful ones so that babies' eyes can recognize the shapes through the colors. Then as babies grow, together with all the other things that our parents do like feed us, take care of us, etc. etc., our eyes will start to transition into the 20/20 perfect eyesight. Well...along the way, as we grow older, the eyesight will eventually be blurred making our powers high that we need to do things like wearing eyeglasses (or contact lenses) to have a clearer eyesight, well for some, they use the technology side of making eye sight clear like laser, etc.

I've thought about that in the same way in our Christian life, we have the somewhat similar transition kind of thing. As baby Christians, we'll have initially a blur sight but as time goes by, with the help of our Father in heaven, we'll have a clear vision of our spiritual life - that's through the sermons of the Pastors we listen into, our own Bible reading, the leaders over us, prayers, fellowships, etc. etc. Now, here's the sad part.... as we go on with our lives, there's the tendency to be blur again making our power high for the need of eye-glasses to be able to see clearly.

Going back to the song, "Open the eyes of my heart, I want to see You", it is very clear that Him, God, who's doing it for us - opening the eyes of our hearts so that we can recognize and eventually see Him. However, we just need to ask Him to do it for us. The "asking" part should come from us. Hhhmmm.. maybe this is one of the applications of the most famous bible verse, which is being stolen by the other "secret" books saying, Ask and it shall be given to you... (Matthew 7:7)

And then...I realized that I was in the latter kind of blurriness in my spiritual life. Please don't ask me to elaborate it ya... it's kinda complicated. I'm grateful that the Holy Spirit revealed this to me and now I am pleading unto Him to give me "contact lenses" in my spiritual sight; that I may see once again clearly...His greatness, His awesomeness, His almighty power, His indescribable love and His sovereignty over my life.

Knocking on heaven^^

If there's one thing that I won't forget about this person, it's gonna be our Redang Island trip last March 2009 particularly the night I was surprisingly asked by her to sing and perform on the stage, together with Laguna Redang's entertainers that night. I don't know what's with her that I gave in to the dare forgetting that I will be humiliating my ownself to an audience of a few! Well, maybe it was probably what's with me since I've finished a glass of frozen margarita already! Good thing that the few audience were them - my friends! LOL...Believe me, it's gonna be the first and last!!! :P

That Redang trip is an unforgettable one for many I believe. It's because it has left something valuable deep within each one's heart and chronicles of sweet and fun memory! Some noted it was their first snorkeling experience, some treasured it that it helped release a certain grudge, and someone enjoyed star gazing ultimately by the beach and finally had seen a shooting star!!! Above all, it was a trip that started a simple kind of friendship that felt like it's been there all the while for somebody :) - talk about having a strength of "connectedness" huh! =P

We didn't have that much of literal personal acquaintance but implicitly, it was like we can read each other. I guess it all started when she called me once, when she was here in Penang, responding to my "hello" text message. I answered, "Is everything okay? why do you sound so soft and quiet and so not you?". I felt she smiled and just responded, "I'm at my MIL's place" (message me what's MIL :P). Then, I got it already. From then on, she would occassionaly sms me "Reached KL already" everytime they come here and return KL. Anyhow, virtually we've kept the communication goin'. These are the moments I thank God for the world wide web operating its "pros". In between's, we've talked about so much things about the reality of life - relationships, marriage, friendship, etcetera, etcetera. I manage to give my thought about her understanding the MIL and make an effort to create a good relationship; she helped me realized that I'm a normal woman so to speak when we've shared about possesiveness and insecurities. Somehow, she has shared her feelings with me that I heart her and ofcourse geared her towards the good and the positive right turn of direction! Apparently, I saw some of myself in her that made me treasure her more.

If only we had the chance to spend more time with each other in person, we could have planned a lot of things before she left. Things that would probably bond us more and nourish the gem we've found with each other - friendship. Furthermore, some stuff that perhaps will be very beneficial to her family and so-called "bestfriend" when she's gone, and thoughts that will be of help for her dearest bie to continue and move on to live life here on earth. Have you read the book or at least watched the movie "P.S. I Love You"? Something to that effect... :)

Well...it has been almost more than five months now since I hugged her for the last time and gave my last kiss on her forehead before we left at one hospital in KL. She was on her way to the operating room for surgery and us on the way back to Penang. That time, I didn't think of such an early departure she'll do as I fervently (and the rest too) plead to our Big Daddy up there to heal her and let her live in this temporary world still. But I guess, it's true indeed that His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and His ways are higher than ours. There must be a reason why those things happened but I'm just not sure what.

I've written this blog with a purpose. A purpose of paying tribute to one good friend who's temporarily gone, in which one of the people I'll be looking forward to meet again when it's my turn to go home. However, ultimately, it's for her bie, whom I considered a good friend too. A very crazy fella that I like because he's willing to jump out of the boat in the beach and who is a merman! Lame! LOL... Nah, kidding aside.... for him to take time to realize that if my friend can literally speak from heaven as I knock, she will say...

"C'mon darling, enough of sadness already! I'll "meraju" if you continune to do that! Cheer up and face the rest of your life there with enthusiasm and new beginning, a new chapter! And I don't mind at all but instead I'll help if I can be of any, and above all, continue to live life and have fun giving all the glory to Him! (I'm with him now, remember! :P)"

They said that the last sense to leave a human being is the hearing sense. As I knock on heaven, I am whispering to her all these writings from the bottom of my heart hoping that she is able to hear it.

While in mourning mode, I was somehow glad that time permitted me to see her for the last time the night before I left for Manila last December. Above all, I'm grateful to Him that He made this as part of His plan for my life - to have met Cindy Khoh Joo Hwa.

-end-

Sobrang Lungkot...

Grabeh... hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko. Lagi kong tinatanong sa sarili ko, nasan ang dating ako? Ang dating masayahin at laging hopeful na tao, ang dating laging looking forward sa hinaharap ng buong sigla at super excited?

Hindi ko maitago na sobrang lungkot ko na kulang na lang eh humagulgol ako dito sa kinalalagyan ko. Feeling ko sobrang nawala ang sigla ng hinaharap kundi para bagang punong puno ng lungkot ng nakaraan?

Alam ko, nasa puso ko ang Poong Maykapal. Pero ang sobrang ipinagtataka ko, grabe talaga ang lungkot na nararamdaman ko. Diyos ko, alam ko may nagawa akong mga kasalanan sa inyo. Patawarin nyo po ako. Gusto kong magalit at mainis sa inyo, pero ginagawa ko ang aking makakaya na wag na todong magalit.

Deep within me Panginoon, ako pa rin ito. Ako pa rin yung nagdarasal at nagmamaka awa, tulungan nyo po ako. hindi ko kayang mag-isa 'to! kailangan ko kayo.

wrong thought...

I thought I was numb enough already upon hearing the somehow "anticipated" news, but sadly no - not numb enough. It sure hurts. argh!

*these are the moments when I wish I won't have emotions/feelings at all anymore*

I thought I was strong enough to ignore and just hide it but I failed to do so - I was just too transparent and expressive a while ago.

*these are the moments when I wish I won't get carried away that easily*

Well... sometimes crying will just give you such quite a relief when the reason you're crying is not good or should I say not good because it did not happen the way you hope it will happen. Nah, God is in control and He's got way than better plans about things.

Start "hoping" a fresh - i wish it will be that way and not brushing it off totally!

Lord, please help me get through with this. I pray that the pain will come to pass soon. You've done it more than two years ago, sure You can do it over and over again.

Jaded.

Thanks to DiGi = CNY thoughts..

I was staring blankly at nowhere when I heard the message alert tone of my cellphone. I asked myself, "who could that be?". It has been a while since I've received those "out of the blue" text message/s from someone (or perhaps sometwo) I know. Pathetic huh, but it's the fact! lol.. Guess who was it? It was Digi's sms advertisement about the new games available. The liner was that, "Download new games to enjoy while on your way to home town for the coming Chinese New Year".

I don't know why my mind suddenly recalled the previous CNY so to speak. I was glad to be invited by a good friend during an organized CNY eve's dinner of their "family" and another "couple friends" steamboat dinner (other night though). Come to think about it, the previous previous year, I was with Shirley's family if I'm not mistaken :).

I have nothing to do by then and that good friend was probably kind enough to ask me to join them. I did not know what to say and ended up responding "okay". Well, I honestly didn't know what I'm supposed to do when attending CNY eve's family dinner because this time, a friend who invited me was a guy. I didn't think of anything but people around me who knew about it began to ask silly questions, which has lead me to a predicament. Anyhow, hope was born. Nah, cut it out! hahaha...

Looking back, I can say that I made it through that "dinner" night and I'd say it was a good one! After that night, a lot of noble things happened Imma say and here are they as follows:

1.) I've learned that I'm super possessive. After that dinner, we've decided to chill out in Starbucks E-gate with other friends and have that "chit-chat" and somebody gave a comment about something like this: "Among all the girls here, I think you're the most possessive." I paused and digested that and reflect on it..lol.. somehow I took it seriously and began to analyze myself. hahaha :D I abruptly kinda defended myself saying, "Yeah, maybe. But it depends on how it is being manifested and applied"... which is true right? LOL..

2.) It started a great friendship & implicit closeness between me and this woman I've met - his mom. I have initially known her through his stories and I was interested to know her personally. That night was the great chance and it went well. From then on, I can say we became close. She was one of the "gentle" encourager I have when it comes to driving, well his son was my instructor anyway - such a great friend! So everytime I hold unto the steering wheel, I'm reminded of her telling me to always tell Jesus to take hold & control of the steering wheel & my driving. We somehow became close because she is a "talker" (ops!) and can really converse in English - well i grabbed that advantage. I wanted to be so close to a few aunties as well but it's just that I'm unable to speak in Chinese (how I wish I can really speak "conversational" Hokkien or even Mandarin huh!). Everytime I drive, I smile a little, whispering unto Jesus and remembering her in my heart. On and off, I meet up with her and just spend time with one another like a mother & daughter... lol..

3.) How Chinese New Year occasion is important. Well, as you know I'm here in Malaysia specifically Penang. In my four years (& counting) so to speak, I've learned a lot of things related to its culture and I'd say I'm somehow accustomed to it already. The fact that this is when majority do and have their family reunions, how I've wished that CNY is everyday here in Malaysia, lol. :P

The other steamboat dinner I've had with this "lovers" so to speak was simple yet I can say it was meaningful. Primarily, it was held at the girl's cozy little warm place in Pekaka area :). Few thoughts cultivated myself:

1.) Simplicity is indeed elegance. This couple (not married yet as of this writing), are that simple. I admire their simplicity and I'm glad that somehow I strongly believe that God used me for both of them. But ofcourse, all credit goes to Him alone for His Holy Spirit really did a LOT of work.

2.) We are everywhere! I had a little talk with the girl's Auntie who worked before in Saudi Arabia and has mentioned that there are a lot of Pinoys & Pinays there. I just smiled and nod nod nod... Reason behind? Well, that is somehow I can say subjective but well yeah... a lot of reasons :D

3.) Steamboat is not easy to prepare. That was at least what the girl said together with the Aunties :D. Hmmm.... lemme check it out and try someday - give me the mood c'mon! =)

What else huh?! Hmm.. I can write as many as I can but I've decided to stop from here :P. In about a week's time, it's CNY once again. I'm not sure what's happening yet but a crazy friend from KL somehow asked through Facebook if I'm gonna be around... let's see what happens by then and let's see if I'll be ignited to write something about it in the near future..

May everyone be filled with joy as this occasion is celebrated together with love ones, family, and friends!

Tata for now!
=)

What could it be, God?

Mr. 2010 has come! Indeed, a lot of things happened while 2009 was still around. If I am to keenly scan my handy calendar where I wrote some of the simple things happened on a specific day of 2009, I'd say there are still more in which I've failed to take note.

While I have decided to choose to welcome 2010 full of excitement and enthusiasm, which I really did wholeheartedly ;), I can't help but think of one very thing happened that shook the whole world if I may say.

Well, it has been what.. about almost 3 months since the tragic and historical Ondoy typhoon catastrophe happened and yet it keeps on haunting me and urging me to put whatever thoughts and feelings I have had and are having right now into writing.

From the very day that the tragedy happened, I've instantly asked myself "why such a drastic event?" They say that you can't argue with the course of nature and I wasn't really doing that! lol. In fact, abruptly I've asked God, "God, what are you trying to tell me, us, and everyone with what you've just allowed to happen?". Not to mention that after that storm, comes another storm in the same country (where else) Philippines, and then there you go the earthquakes somewhere in Indonesia, what else? The news about the war going between Norh & South Korea and Imma say a whole lot more of events that really made me think a lot!

I don't know why such a huge bulk of emotions (good & bad) I have deep inside on this one. Not that my family was part of it (I'd say that's just a little) but I believe the concern I have to mankind is... ugh! unexplainable! In the Ondoy tragedy, the whole of Metro Manila was submerged into flood in which everyone is considered traumatized regardless of its status in life. Poor, rich, middle class, famous, normal citizen. I remember I've received a text message saying, "God is humbling Metro Manila for what has happened". Well, I can say that could be one of it... but I've observed and noticed some random stuff in conjunction to the historical Ondoy flood and made me ponder on a lot of things. Here you go:

1.) The human nature of goodness emerged in this incident and so do the nature of the darkside if I may say. Some people did their very best to help whoever they can help. Those who were not affected by the flood voluntarily opened their homes to the victims and even shared whatever supply of food and the likes they have. Some even risked their lives just to save others who were carried away by the flood and a whole lot more of instances. On the other hand, I guess some were possessed by the devil to take advantage of the situation and even had the nerves to plunder goods and the likes. Sadly, that's still a reality!

2.) The importance of unity in family. I saw one photo whereby the father and son are pushing one small boat in which the mom and daughter are riding. Together, they face the adversity happened in unity. Such a noble piece. Well, I was away from my family when that happened - it was completely excruciating especially when you knew that you're in such a physical comfortable condition while your love-ones are there suffering like hell! Well that time, I was physically comfortable so to speak but my mind was like crazily mad because i couldn't do anything but to be still and keep trusting God that He is in control! My sister was talking to me over the phone crying and crying because it seemed impossible to finish cleaning up, etc during the aftermath and everything is practically gone. I have no choice but to keep encouraging my sister that everythng will be alright and that we should be grateful that nobody got hurt. Where I was, I am thankful that my spiritual family really pulled me up and helped me through their prayers and encouragement. I've felt that they were united in helping me not to go insane. God is good!

3.) The value of friendship. My highschool friend, Sol opened her place and her resources so that my family can get in touch with me and let me know what has happened. Rain was non-stop but I was constantly online communicating with my friend and asking for updates on what's happening. Through Sol, I was also able to talk to them over the phone and over the internet - thanks to her really! Also, these are the moments I'd say I'm thankful for technology! Other friends I have here in Malaysia (mayit be Pinoys or Malaysians =)) started to send me email/s and text messages about it. They have no idea how grateful I was, how it touched me and helped me to think sanely and continuously believing that God is good, all the time! I have also realized more that people have really different ways of expressing things directly and/or indirectly. Well, it made me think how expressive I am or how do I normally express the things I want to express to everyone around me.

4.) How you view the Almighty God. I don't know about the others but this Ondoy didn't really help much in untangling my view of God, lol. I know and strongly believe that God was in control that moment and He will always be. While in the shallow phase of myself are kinda mix feelings of anxieties, worries, hurt & pain; in the very deep and inner core of me was peace. His peace that surpasses all understandings.

5.) The resilience of Filipinos. When I had my Christmas vacation, I had some sharing with my siblings about what happened. They shared the hardship and fun stuff they did - cheerfully. They practically cleaned everything during the aftermath while playing with waters and the remains of the flood. I can imagine. Probably they were chasing one another with the water coming out from host with fun and laughters! My sister shared about sharing of the food and eat together while the whole house is submerged into flood. The smiles & posing they had during picture-taking under the heavy rainfalls and the likes. I've also mentioned that I saw one video in facebook whereby a group of friends did a video of showing or making a tour for everyone in their submerged house. They did the video while swimming in the water - funny huh! :) Cecille told me that Philippines has become a shield to other nations especially in South East Asia. If not because of the Philippines blocking other countries, it could have hit a few nearby. Filipinos, in our very nature, whatever the obstacles, however it's so challenging, can easily get up and continue and move on with life. My sister said that during interviews, majority can still smile and be happy despite of what has happened. And then she cited the hurricane Katrina incident whereby people don't want to be asked & interviewed at all and even talk a video of their faces.... I was like really? i didn't know about it.

5.) The final one - made me ask again, What could it be, God? Ondoy was just the icebreaker... or should I say the explicit one. While that's happening, other things in other parts of the world is also happening. Reminded me of the passage about the End of the World and the Signs of End of time. Could it be God is telling everyone that the end is really near? Could it be that God is telling all to return unto Him?! Well, at least for Ondoy, almost everyone in there turn unto the Lord and prayed.. well what about now? Is there something going on that people are urge to turn unto God and pray?

What could it be, God? Could it be that the end is coming?! Oh I can't wait! For when the end has come, I know where i will be :)

How about you? Might wanna think about it for this 2010?

Ta!