First Half - 2012!

Here I am, in a Starbucks corner; trying to contain all the thoughts roaming my mind and thinking which one to put into writing. Then, a major thought emerged! OMG, it's mid-2012 already! This complicated things and lead my brain into thinking more thoughts, hah!

Those thoughts revolve around things that took place in the past six months, the present, and of course the future wouldn't want to be left out.

The Past Six Months. I'm the type of person who choose to focus more on the good side of things rather than the bad. However, I sure don't simply forget the bad ones because I use them as objects for lessons learned. Basically the bad stuff are normally composed of the negative emotion existence. Imma say that these include loneliness, anger, little bit of bitterness, self-pity, maybe envy, and the worst is hopelessness (or the list could go on and on). The enemy is just clever enough to make use of these feelings to turn me down maybe even to bury me 6 feet below the ground hypothetically. Too bad, I have Someone deep inside my heart and mind Who is omnipotent and much loving, even the most cleverest One (Yep, I'm exaggerating superlatives :P).  I consciously and wholeheartedly make myself be anchored by this One, hence, I'm still existing above the ground literally and figuratively. :)

It is said that there's always the 2sides of a coin. The good things happened for the past six months? I'd say more than enough to bury those bad stuff. I've maintained relationship with good friends around (don't want to mention who's who). I got to spend time with whom I consider family here in Penang (I have a father and brother here you know....) with all those fine dining kind of dinner and cooking of daddy Ron - priceless. I've made new friends when I joined ERT, had the chance to go camping in Gunung Jerai and that was kind of a little adventure thingy. My good friend Julie got married. It was fun to be a part of her "chee muis" and to witness one ultimate thing I have hoped for happening to someone close to me. I've read that you should be happy when things you want to experience yourself at least happened to other people, how much more to someone you know. The opportunity to dance for God in PISA was like a stardom and hyper during the Revo Night! I've cherished each moment with everyone who joined the group in dancing, from little girls to big girls, or should I say grown ups! The highlight of the good is that, I managed to spend quality time with my family back in the Philippines. We went to Davao City (southern Philippines) to celebrate my mama's birthday. The sight of all of them enjoying the splash and waves of the beach, the sumptuous feasty meals, the billiard bonding sessions, and the cuddling, tickling each other, camwhoring stuff - ah! more than priceless, classic vintage!

The Future. Uhm, a lot of things I thought or I plan to do. But, oh well, I have to organize my thoughts and analyse these things first and I need to make sure to surrender all of them upon God. I need God's wisdom and guidance that I need to ask for discernment on what things I should really do and focus on.

The Now. Now? Hmmm... I just wanna say I'm enjoying it... Enjoying in a kinda responsible way I should say, if you know what I mean. I'm reminding myself, the now is a gift since it's present.

Charged to the second half of 2012! Bring it on!

Leap Day!

Yes, it's February 29th today and 24 minutes more, the so-called leap day is gone! Gone with the wind in a blink of an eye Imma say. Whew!

I'm feeling a little bit exhausted at the moment, and at the same time sleepy but couldn't really sleep. Ugh! I really hate it when this thing is happening. It's like your brain keeps on fighting with the other parts of your body where the majority is telling it to shut down and switch off the lights! But the brain waves are still roaming around your head! The more frustrating part is when you're thinking about non sense things that aren't even valuable and the likes! Like what I'm doing now, just thought of typing it out here without any purposeful thought. Yeah right, just so to say that I'm blogging kinda thing. Geez, it ain't really that nice I'd say.

Well, maybe, just maybe.... the typing and blogging helped the brain to really wear off for the day... I am starting to feel it now.... and that calls for me to go to bed and really enjoy the beauty of sleeping.

Finally!

That's all of the nonsense for now. Nighty! :D *yawn*

Ending 2011: White spaces focused!

There were a couple of black dots in an A4 size of bond paper. I was asked to stare at that paper with a question, "what do you see"? Bombarded with rambling thoughts to look into those dots, echoing the sad, low, and lonely times of 2011, I decided to choose to forget or at least get over it and consciously focus myself into the wide range of white spaces between the dots.

It's almost mid-Feb of 2012 and yet I'm just about to officially end my year 2011. Well, you know me...I have delayed reaction about most of the things...

It's been ages since the last time I had the mood to really write something about what I have in mind. I must admit, I was kinda disappointed with myself because of that. It's true that there were a few black dots in my 2011 (maybe that's why i didn't have the mood) but come to think of it, there were really more good and great times happened too.

I've recalled about my mom and niece's summer vacation with me here in Penang in April to May. Apparently we had a great time when I manage to bring them to Singapore as a side trip. Hah! I remember when mama was giving me some hints that she wanted to go there just to see how's SG and well, I was excited for my niece to go and see the "Songs of the Sea" light musical show in Sentosa. I thank God that indeed through His provision that we landed in SG for a couple of days. It was a good time to meet up with one of my cousins who's working there too!

My dear sister surprised me during my birthday by flying all the way from Manila to Penang over that weekend (guess which month is my birthday?). Although, uhhmm..it wasn't really a surprise to me anymore since I managed to bluff my mom and found out about the trip! :P  Aside from my sister's presence, a good friend from Manila sent me this CD by Corrine May that I've wanted to have. I've also met a new friend from Oregon through a common dear friend.

Come mid-September to mid-October, I was splurging a holiday spree in the US! I'm glad and thankful that my uncle and his family were very accommodating and generous when I had my vacation in LA! It was my very first time seeing them in person and it was really awesome! I've met quite a few friends who are based in the US from different states. I thank God for the favor and provisions to make this dream of trip come to reality. God provided angels of people, protection, and blessings for this trip. Everything that has happened in that trip will surely be treasured most especially the very one thing, a special thing that happened and took place. It was so special that i thought it was a dream.... But yeah, that's about it! Only God knows what will happen in the future! Anyhow, I didn't really manage to go to a few other places I hoped to go, but overall... it was a blast!

Another reason for me to smile and be really thankful for 2011 is that I still had the bandwidth to go Cambodia after US. This trip with my housemate was kinda simple. It was like a rest period after the hectic US get-away.... since during that time, I was out to nowhere from morning 'till evening, midnight or so to be exact! When we were in Cambodia, our luxurious routine of eat, sleep, and roam around Siam Reap was relaxing! In tagalog, we dub it as KATUGA! Kain, Tulog, Gala.

In November, I finally manage to have my own vehicle - a simple, second hand one but I'm so happy about it. All year through, I feel sooo blessed and thankful to have good friends who lent me their extra car for me to use regularly. I felt a bit shy about it and so I prayed to be able to buy my own. Thank God that He had led or appointed me to this kind uncle selling his car at a price that I can afford. God is good in granting me a car loan too.

And... in December, my whole family came over to Penang to celebrate Christmas with me! It was my papa and auntie's first time traveling outside Philippines and first time riding an airplane! My Christmas was really really great! I've felt the genuine comfortable comfort given my beloved family and for that I am more than thankful to God.

Aside from those stuff mentioned, I'm blessed to have friends around here in Penang who will cheer me up from time to time all year round. Not to mention my dear god father who always invite me for dinner to eat his cooked western style dishes!

Indeed there are more and wider white spaces in that bond paper that those black dots are almost unnoticeable huh?! And if I am truly to reflect and contemplate more, 2011 is a very blessed fruitful year for me. I hope and pray that as I officially begin my 2012 (way delayed huh! LOL), may the bond paper will remain white spaces dominated than those black dots.

With that, let me end my 2011 now.

-end-

A Mother's Death.

I just came back from someone's mom's wake service and I'm still overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions deep inside of me, thinking of a lot of people in my mind and in my heart. A chain of people whom I've talked to and have been thinking lately, which is somehow related to the term "mother". This someone by the way, is our senior pastor who gave such honoring remarks for his dear mother. I was delighted to know that indeed during the last days of his mother, everyone in the children were there to spend that last precious moments with their mother.

First thought was ofcourse my own dearest mother. As our Pastor shared about how his mother did her best to help his father raising the 7 of them through domestic-related jobs, saying that she's rich, I can't stop nodding my head, completely agreeing with him. Then, a flashback of my younger days came to mind. My mom doing some laundry, ironing, and other related chores in the neighborhood just for us to have something to eat while she assigned me to take care of my 2 younger sisters that time. There were also those times whereby all I have to do is pick up the spoon and fork to eat the food in the plate she has prepared before I go to work, how she tidy my room and I'd be too comfortable to have my sweet rest and a whole lot more. It reminded me as well so many very important things she has taught me that until now I value and treasure sincerely, and that is why I am where I am now. From then on, I promised myself to do my very best to make her proud, I hope I did. Well, my mother can be complicated sometimes but I really honor her, treasure her and love her. I'm grateful that she's still alive and that I can still express personally how grateful I am having her. I'm praying that she'll be here... at least until I become a mother myself. Only God knows! :D

The next one was my auntie in California - a mother too. Recently, I had the opportunity to have some little chit-chat with her over the net (the power of technology huh!) and shared a few struggles over her children. The word "patience" was stuck in my heart during the chat conversation and I just hope that she'll be fine and will continue to be prayerful and be patient with whatever is happening out there since I really dunno what's the whole story. I pray as well that as I write this, the power of the Holy Spirit will just minister upon her and her children too - my cousins, realizing the incomparable and invaluable things their mother has done and will do for them. Oh how I wish I'm just an inch away so that I can hug her and hopefully ease out her sentiments.

The third one was another friend in Chicago, whom I was shared that the mother has a breast cancer, which was recently discovered. I am more than concerned but had nothing to say during that time ('twas just last night though); or rather should I say, I dunno what good thing to say to at least console that friend. Again, how I'd hope that I was beside this friend to somehow offer a sincere warm embrace. I blurted out a child-like faith of "Let's believe for a miracle. I'll keep your mom in prayer." True enough, I dozed off to bed with a simple prayer for my friend's mother. I hope that God will acknowledge my child-like prayer, I believe JC heard about it and He'll surely answer.

Next in line were my friends who are mothers. Funny that I've got friends who are mothers here in Penang and whenever there's a party, all of them will stay in a room and discuss/share stuff about motherhood. The catch is... I'm the only one who's single that I feel ackward in joining them most of the times *peace*. However, they will force me to join their "chit-chat" saying that it's just right to learn while still single. It's something like "Motherhood 101" subject. There was one time, one of them said, today the topic is "schooling/education of kids". Deep inside, I was actually thrilled and in my mind I began to wonder when is my time. LOL.

Another one was about my boss, who's a mother. In one of our one on one session, she mentioned about her daughter saying "she's growing fast and now older". In that line were sound of worry because of much care and concern and love. Mother's really are admirable!

Last one was a recent call from a friend in Manila to give me a late greeting for my birthday. I wasn't sure how the conversation went to the topic about her mother who recently passed away too. I was glad to hear her reflections about her beloved mom and her sharing on how painful it really is to loose a mother, realizing a mother's very significance to our existence. Then the topic ended to realizing that somehow, the desire to get married is to primarily be able to experience motherhood (it sounds funny but come to think of it... I agreed with her in the end).

I recently saw a video of a mother giving birth to a child in a natural way mind you. I was just watching and I was physically exasperated already! I wonder.... how much more when I'm the one doing it. It looked awful, painful, however you may wanna describe it but I just said to myself, I want to experience that! I'd love to, given a chance! Well, based from my observations, reflections, and relationship with all walks of mothers "kinda thing", it seems really difficult and challenging but nevertheless I can see the real fulfillment, nobility, and the joy of being one in them, above all in my own mother's eyes.

To all mothers - it's not mother's day but I want to personally salute you. May God's love and grace continue to abound in your hearts! Keep up the good work! Kudos! :)

To all soon to be mothers - you're about to embark one great milestone of your lives, you'll be okay. God is good! :)

To all sons & daughters - get your relationship with your mothers right while they're still alive! Appreciate them while you still can - a simple "love you, ma!" or a hug or a kiss will do a lot. It's your big lost if you don't! :)

-end-

"spock"

And so finally I am blogging with a happy feeling! I must indulge this moment! Too much of sad emo-related entries already so here you go!!!

First, it was like a cardiac arrest of reviving my heart beat while I was in a heart attack breakdown! Seems like my apparently dying heart was pumped up making the straight line in that meter reader becoming quite a zigzag kind of line again. Not bad huh!

It was a some kind of a "spock" from a short circuited wiring in which the connections were essentially straighten out. It's a nice feeling eventhough I wasn't sure what will be the outcome of it. I realized I'm quite naive in this kind of stuff! Yaiks! And indeed my "bashy" me is striking like mad!

Oh well, it's the second time of supper with that "spock"! Somehow...it's nice but I don't wanna expect too much. I'm thankful that somehow, my heart beat was revived - that should be quite good enough. At least I know I'm still capable of feeling "it" and did not totally curse the so-called "feeling". As I recognized that positive cardiac arrest result, my brain waves started to function as well... hehe... well i think heart and brain working together will make a good tandem huh! But ofcourse with His guidance and will.. surely can right? LOL! I'm talking nonsense now!

I better head off to bed, got morning prayer tomorrow.

Oh by the way, it's actually "spark"!

=)

famiLiar tears...

It has been quite a month already that I've somehow noticed this thing is happening - a teardrop would fall as I close my eyes praying to be able to sleep and to have a good one! If I could only take out my ownself from my body, I would be able to draw one picture that would describe quite a combination of a poignant face trying to be wrapped in the coating of faith and trust. Indeed, I ended up waking up fully rested and wanting to sleep more instead :D

Tonight, as I wrap up my work and somehow call it a day.... I've recognized that I was bursting into tears.. a different one from what's mentioned above. Familiar tears, which include some profound emotions and soured-sweet memories; and that deep inside was a smile longing to be able to come to a point once again of finally moving on, never thinking and hoping for the old, but trusting for a fresh eternity- type of a new one.

I know, I just have to continue trusting and keeping that faith. Can I be thrown into a totally new atmosphere again, please?

-end-

Contact Lenses...

I'm on my second day of wearing contact lenses after I've pushed through with my thought to try it out - I decided to have 2-day trial of it. Reasons behind are a lot but the outstanding one is for convenience. It's so funny though, because initially, I've opted to wear eyeglasses instead, because of the same reason - convenience. Errrr.... weird huh, you may say...but just think about what I'm tryin' to draw here :P

Well, my power isn't that high but normally, I prefer to have my eye-glasses on to have a clearer and firmer view or sight of the things I'm lookin' at, especially when driving ;)... that is because I've taken note well what my driving instructor told me in a loud manner, "WEAR YOUR 'SPECS' WHEN DRIVING!"... lol, makes me smile whenever I think about it.

Anyhow, so this morning...no doubt I was struggling and having some challenges to put in the contact lenses into my eyes. Whheeww! It wasn't that easy! As I open my right eye wide and big, the song "Open the eyes of my heart Lord" echoed deep within me. As I sing the song in my mind, "open the eyes of my heart Lord, I want to see you, I want to see you", in my heart I had a revelation that until now I'm trying to figure out, organizing the thought around it so might as well write about it, hopefully at the end of this blog I'll manage to have an organized thoughts about the revelation... let's see!

When we're newly born, they say that the eyesight isn't really that clear for the first couple of weeks. This is the reason why when buying baby things, we need to buy those very colorful ones so that babies' eyes can recognize the shapes through the colors. Then as babies grow, together with all the other things that our parents do like feed us, take care of us, etc. etc., our eyes will start to transition into the 20/20 perfect eyesight. Well...along the way, as we grow older, the eyesight will eventually be blurred making our powers high that we need to do things like wearing eyeglasses (or contact lenses) to have a clearer eyesight, well for some, they use the technology side of making eye sight clear like laser, etc.

I've thought about that in the same way in our Christian life, we have the somewhat similar transition kind of thing. As baby Christians, we'll have initially a blur sight but as time goes by, with the help of our Father in heaven, we'll have a clear vision of our spiritual life - that's through the sermons of the Pastors we listen into, our own Bible reading, the leaders over us, prayers, fellowships, etc. etc. Now, here's the sad part.... as we go on with our lives, there's the tendency to be blur again making our power high for the need of eye-glasses to be able to see clearly.

Going back to the song, "Open the eyes of my heart, I want to see You", it is very clear that Him, God, who's doing it for us - opening the eyes of our hearts so that we can recognize and eventually see Him. However, we just need to ask Him to do it for us. The "asking" part should come from us. Hhhmmm.. maybe this is one of the applications of the most famous bible verse, which is being stolen by the other "secret" books saying, Ask and it shall be given to you... (Matthew 7:7)

And then...I realized that I was in the latter kind of blurriness in my spiritual life. Please don't ask me to elaborate it ya... it's kinda complicated. I'm grateful that the Holy Spirit revealed this to me and now I am pleading unto Him to give me "contact lenses" in my spiritual sight; that I may see once again clearly...His greatness, His awesomeness, His almighty power, His indescribable love and His sovereignty over my life.